It hit me that I am definitely not the perfect mom I set out to be when I yelled at my son and told him to stop crying one night. He was so shocked, then hurt, and so was I. It really hurt me more than it did him as he soon forgot about it after I picked him up, sang his favorite song and played a little game with him. I couldn't stop thinking about it though. Why on earth did I do that? Was it sleep deprivation? Am I spoiling him? Do I have too much on my mind?..... Endless questions kept floating in and out of my head as I lay in bed after he finally went to sleep.
So I decided to try to be more conscious that this is a very receptive little person and try to be more calm if I can. But it is hard work. If motherhood was so hard, how did my mom make it look so easy? Or maybe I wasn't really paying attention when I was growing up. Or maybe I was. I don't know. In high school, I got "most likely to be a good parent" in my yearbook. That was pretty interesting as the only thing I ever envisioned to do with my life was to be a mom and travel a lot. Sounds unrealistic doesn't it? Well, those were my secret dreams. On the outside I told people I wanted to be a housekeeper; then lawyer or historian when people started laughing at that; then doctor when I figured I was good at sciences and I wanted to help people; then journalist because of my cravings for adventure and writing; then pharmacist because they were in demand and I was so "hard-working", I could be whatever I wanted. Then engineer, chemical engineer at that, because I wanted to go to the same school as my then boyfriend and that career sounded pretty attractive, I could travel to Venezuela and work there. Which is what I spent three years of my life studying before I decided to stop before finishing as I got married, then pregnant and had to leave the country. Three very full, adventurous, short years. So, here I put family ahead of everything and, no, I did not marry that boyfriend who I wanted to go to university with. Pretty sure that was a very dumb decision maker. Anyway, that leads me to my being a mom, a not-so-perfect mom and how to deal with this thing called motherhood.
I am young and went it into this one quite blind, no road map of what to do's and what not to do's. But some things seem to come naturally. Like me knowing that that crying means hunger and that that one means sleepy when he was younger. Or me knowing that he just wants to be held, and that it is better to have real conversations with him even though he can't verbally respond as yet. Bitter-sweet things I'm sure he won't remember, but I will. It is a gift to be a mom, as children are gifts, very precious gifts. My heart beats stronger when I see him growing and changing everyday and smile at the man that I think he might be one day. I love it! I am also more calm when he decides to have an I-don't-want-to-sleep-crying-fit. I guess its all about taking things in stride. One day at a time with lots of praying between.
"Blessed and highly favored"
